Since I haven't written any poetry and I did post this on my myspace blog I am going to post both blogs I did over there here to put something newer here.
Right now I feel like I am an emotional mess. I have sooo much that has been going through my mind especially as of late that I just don't think I can keep it to myself anymore. This year has been one of the harder years emotionally for me I have seemed to take some things that I took just fine in years or even year ago past harder this year. I don't know why but this year has been really hard as I think about past events or past things I have realized how hard this year has been for me and Adam both.
Adam has gone through about the same amount of emotional and other crap as I have. We both have gone through some shitty relationship stuff this year. He was in that car accident and mom and I been struggling on things the last few months. He had to deal with a move and the whole thing that surrounded that just kept on getting messed up left and right. I have taken for the first time in probably a few years the anniversary of the day Ryan Long committed suicide very hard. And right now I am not looking forward to the 23rd.
For those that might remember or know that would have been 4 years since I had been married if I was still married. Don't ask me why I am taking it hard this year I don't even remember how I took it last year to be honest. Ever since yesterday all I can think of is the 23rd and I wonder so many things. I have gone through a lot of relationships since I have been seperated and than divorced from my ex husband and I wonder sometimes why it is that my luck has been so shitty it seems since than. I know in my heart I did the right thing but it still is hard despite everything else.
I want to cry and I want to scream. I want to still love him and I want to hate him. The only thing that is keeping me going I feel is just pure will power at the moment. I am just going because it's what I know how to do. But inside I feel so lonely and sad and wanting to cry. I want someone to hold me. I am trying to keep strong because I don't want to break apart when I feel that other things are more important. I am trying to keep strong for Adam because he needs me and is going through a lot too.
This is how much I care about Adam and I always will. He's a huge part of my life and I know in my mind how much I will always love him. I know that he is another reason I keep going when I want to give up and say fuck it all. When I am about to just say fuck it and just be single and not deal anymore. He is the reason I keep going and keep trying and hope for the best.
I don't know what I am going to do for the 23rd but I need to do something because I don't want to be alone. I cannot be alone this day I need to have someone or something to do that day. I don't want to deal with it alone. I need something or someone that day because I don't want to fall apart on my own.