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Showing posts from September, 2010

My First Kiss With You

When I looked into those brown eyes,
When I gazed right there and then,
And I knew I was going to kiss you,
And I knew it was going to be a night I’ll never forget,
And then I kissed you,
Kissed you like I’ve never kissed before,
And I felt that connection,
Felt that spark,
Felt everything I’ve ever dreamed before,
I opened my eyes,
I looked at yours again,
And I knew that moment it changed,
It changed my whole life,
It changed everything from that moment forward,
It changed everything I could ever see,
That first kiss with you,
That first moment,
I just knew,
That connection has only grown,
That connection has only deepened,
That connection has only become more,
And although it has been some time now,
Since that first kiss with you,
Every time I kiss you,
Every time I look at you,
Every time I gaze into those eyes,
I feel that emotion,
I feel that feeling,
I feel that moment of bliss,
And I know that every time,
I kiss you it feels just like the first,
And I will never forget,
That first time we kissed,
Until eterni…

This Is My Dream

Being with you,
Being by your side,
Being with you every moment I can,
That is my dream,
Being your wife,
Being your girl,
Being with you forever,
I love you with every breathe,
Every moment,
Every day,
Just a little bit more,
This is my dream,
Although vision so many times,
Before I even met you,
You are my true dream,
My true reality,
So much more than I could have hoped for,
So much more than I could have imagined,
So much more than I could have ever seen,
You are so amazing,
So wonderful,
So everything I need,
So everything I have wanted,
I love you my darling,
I love you to every depth of my heart,
To every depth of my soul,
To every depth of my spirit,
This is my dream,
My life with you,
The life we have now,
The life we are headed to,
I love you my darling,
My forever,
My joy,
My hope,
My everything,
This is my dream,
Being with you,
Standing by your side,
Through every moment,
Every good,
Every bad,
Everything in between,
I love you my darling,
Love you forever,
Forever as this dream,
This dream has come true.

Day 28 Something That You Miss

During the week even though I get to talk to Troy online I miss him even if it is just the two of us watching something together there is something that is there that I feel every time I am with him. I miss watching him and his comical faces. I find myself thinking about his smile whenever I am not with him.

I miss life without the asthma although yes it has matured me in ways, helped me see things I didn’t see before, and helped me understand different people and what they go through I do miss some of the other things of my life before. Although I still am able to do a lot of things I have more limitations than I use to when I was younger and my asthma wasn’t as bad.

I don’t miss being younger even as a child or teenager although there has been ups and downs through all my life I know that through it all I’ve become a stronger person and wouldn’t really change those things even the harder times. There are times I miss certain people that use to be in my life but realize that some…

Day 25 A First For You

When I met Troy I knew that my life was never going to be the same. Although I had been in quite a few relationships by that time I knew there was something different about him and about this relationship even at the beginning. Hardly did I know how different that could be in so many wonderful ways. I couldn’t even imagine how much I would find in terms of peace, completeness, joy, wonder, happiness, love, and so much more.

Although I felt I have known a piece of what love was before I never knew quite the extra completeness that could be possible when you are truly with the person that compliments you the best. I felt a deep ever compassing love something that no words could really truly express. Something no words could even begin to tell. Something that is beautiful, strong, lovely, and wonderful in so many different ways.

Being with Troy is being home. Being with Troy is being in a place that I feel safe, loved, cared for, supported, and so much more. I know that I mean a lo…

Day 27 Your Favorite Place

I have many different places I consider favorites for different reasons. There is no place though that can compare to whenever I get to spend time with Troy. Rather we are just hanging out around either of our apartments watching movies, going to the store, going to the park by his place, or anything else as long as I am with him that is the best place to be at during those moments. Every day I get to spend with him is wonderful no matter where that might be. Although I wish I could see him more than I do I treasure the moments we have.

Another favorite place is anywhere that I pray to God. When I am able to reconnect to Him and be able to shut out the rest of the world while praying for guidance, wisdom, peace, and anything else he can grant me through the good and bad times it is important. When I get to pray with Troy it feels even more connected as it is another thing we can share as a couple. Praying together defiantly strengths us as a couple.

There are many places in this …

Day 26 Your Fears

As one that has a medical issue my main fear is my asthma getting worse than it already is. I have also been having more medical issues especially within the last year with my asthma, my allergies, and more constant migraines during times that aren’t asthma related. Even though I battle daily it seems with these medical issues I do try to keep my mind on the bigger picture and remember that with this I can prove to be a testament for God’s glory. I know that fear in a healthy way is a positive thing and that it can bring us closer to God.

Although never easy I pray to God every day for me to let go of the unhealthy fears that might be in my life. There are times I also fear about not being able to have children and be a parent although I don’t talk about that one as much I have always pictured myself as a mother as well as other things. Sometimes I fear about never being able to complete all the various writing projects I have in my mind especially things that are longer that I ha…

This Week

This week there will be someone struggling,
To just get by in the world,
To have to bury someone they love,
To have to hold someone’s hand,
As they find out about a disease,
Or find out something wonderful,
To have to be alone because their loved one is gone,
Off to war,
Lost to death,
Lost to something else,
This week there will be someone going hungry,
Having to deal with a flood,
Or some other natural disaster,
Someone who has lost their way,
Who wants to find a way back,
But doesn’t know how,
Someone will feel pain,
And not understand or know,
How to find happiness again,
Will think about horrible things,
And not know that there is hope out there,
Someone will give up on their dreams,
Because they believe they cannot go anywhere,
But this week will also bring joy to someone,
To someone who has been praying,
And believing in Him,
To someone who sees the light at the end,
Believes in love,
Believes in dreams,
Someone will find love,
Will find their dreams,
Will find hope,
Find belief,
Find the answers they’ve been …

Day 24 Something That Makes You Cry

There is so much pain in the world due to so many things. People, who have no jobs, homes, lost their loved ones through war, divorce, and so much more. Seeing my friends go through hardships due to people not understanding what they might be going through. One of the hardest times in my life was when I went through my divorce. Although it was for the best due to the other things going on just going through it was something that made me cry due to the fact that although there was the abuse I did love him.

Another thing that can make me cry is seeing my family and friends being treated unjustly through one way or another especially those going through health issues that people don’t seem to understand because they are so wrapped into themselves. People who believe they are not good enough just because of having either a certain disability or something they cannot control. People who feel they are ugly do to the messed up images that is in our culture and the pressure of it all ins…

What's In The Bag

What’s in the bag they ask,
What’s there that you might carry?
What’s there that you might use?
What would be there to tell your story?
What if all someone got,
All someone could see,
Was what you carried around you?
What sort of story might it tell?
Would it really tell anything at all?
What’s in the bag they ask,
Is there any way one could really tell,
How you are as a person,
As a human being,
As a friend,
As a lover,
As a brother or a sister,
As someone who might be in pain,
Someone who might be in love,
Someone that is going through an in between,
What’s in the bag they ask,
Instead of maybe asking what’s inside of you,
What could be going on in your heart,
Your life,
Your dreams,
Your hopes,
And everything that truly can matter,
What’s in the bag,
That’s all they ask,
They don’t ask the true questions,
The questions that really matter,
No it’s just about,
What’s in the bag,
Something that doesn’t mean anything
Something that is only skin deep,
But don’t they know?
Can’t they see?
What’s most important,
What’s someo…

Day 23 Something That Makes You Feel Better

When I am having a rough day one of the many things that makes me feel better is talking to Troy even though he is quieter than my best friend who I’ve known for thirteen years just being able to talk to him brings a smile to my face. He is someone of a few words but can sometimes say the most amazing things when one is not paying attention. Troy brings a lot of smiles, joy, laughter, and all the wonderful things sometimes just sitting with him even without words is the best moment I could have during that week when everything else seems insane.

Adam is another person that can make me feel better. He is my vent person he can sit and listen to anything I have going on and will talk through everything from various angles. He’s as talkative as I am and although both of us has grown and changed over the years we always find a way through pretty much everything. We don’t agree to everything but that has never stopped our friendship.

Writing is another release for me. Even though I use …

Day 22 Something That Upsets You

Being human as one can have regrets through our lives due to not being perfect being human also seems to mean there is going to be something that will upset you even if it seems small later on when things are said and done. Although as a person that tries to see positive in many things some things that bother me on an occasion are people that are purposely hurtful to others, those that put other people down because of something like their age, health related problems, sex, or whatever it might be, people that seem to be full of themselves, and people who just dismiss someone due to something that has gone on in their past. There are probably a few other things but I have always been a people person and when I see pain in people’s eyes from being hurt on certain things that is what upsets me the most.

I’ve always been a firm believer that you never should judge a person from their past because people can always change and you cannot judge what might have happened at that time. We’ve …

Day 20 This Month

This month has been busy just as last month had been for the most part. With job searching most days, going to interviews, trying to get some writing in, being able to spend time with Troy and Adam, helping Adam with various projects, and getting my Oregon Health Plan stuff done waiting for my insurance card so I can see the doctor. Having rough times with my asthma here and there just trying to hang in there until I get my Oregon Health Plan so I can see a doctor so I can possibly get some answers.

Adam has been such a blessing having me help him with various things and paying me and than buying me over the counter allergy pills to try to help with at least that portion so at least my allergies wouldn’t bother my asthma. I’ve done more testing for job related stuff for various temporary agencies than I like to try to count. Still been fighting on the unemployment gotten about halfway on getting things sorted it seems they ruled at least that I was available to work even with not w…

Day 19 Something You Regret

I believe as human beings even if you try to look at the positive side of things there is always going to be something you are going to regret even if you don’t fully admit it to yourself. There are many things I regretted especially before I became saved and accepted Jesus Christ as my savior. Decisions I made that were unwise but I try to not let them hunt my life now knowing that all I have done has been forgiven thanks to God.

One of the things that was the hardest on me was not getting out of my previous marriage sooner than I did due to all the things I was put through. Including having my asthma become worse, losing a lot of my possessions, almost losing some of my friends, becoming depressed, and dealing with the abuse as long as I did. However through everything I believe although I didn’t realize it at the time that the trial I went through was something I needed to become a stronger person that would later commit my life to God.

During that relationship with David there w…

Day 18 Your Favorite Birthday

I have many different good birthdays over the years however I would say my favorite birthday would have been my most recent which was my 29th birthday. I got to have pretty much a birthday weekend since my birthday was on a Sunday and being the day after Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day we went to Wan Q's and I had a birthday party with a few other friends that joined in as well. I got to see Percy Jackson and The Lightening Thief that day with Adam and Troy.

On Sunday after church we went for a nice drive, went to Claim Jumper, and saw The Wolfman. I was totally spoiled that weekend more so than any other birthday in quite some time. Being surrounded by my mom, Troy, and my friends also added to it. It is a birthday I won't forget anytime soon. With my 30th coming up it will be interesting to see what they try to do for that one.

Day 17 Your Favorite Memory

I have had so many wonderful and amazing memories over the years. There are four of them that are up there on the top of the list not necessarily in order of favorite because they are all favorites for different reasons. The top four I can think of is meeting my best friend Adam, graduating High School, graduating college, and meeting Troy.

Unlike many of my peers I enjoyed high school so when I finished it was a bit of a bitter sweet moment. Knowing I was moving forward in my life in many positive ways but it was hard too because I was leaving so many good things behind me as well. This happened on June of 1999. Graduating College was a lot like graduating High School in many ways it was a bitter sweet moment. Knowing that I accomplished something no one in my family had accomplished yet by that time being the first felt amazing.

During my time at college I did change my major from Accounting to Business Management and Human Resources. I ended up with the Business Management p…

Day 16 Your First Kiss

I don’t remember very well the first kiss I had with the first guy I ever dated. I do remember however clearly the first kiss I had with Troy. Although I have been an experienced kisser by that point in time I was still nervous. I was excited about being his first and wanted to make sure he had a great experience not only in learning how to kiss but to have a great kiss.

When I met him I knew that this kiss was going to be different but I didn’t expect the electricity that seemed to just buzz through every part of my being. I remember feeling like the world had completely stopped and that there was just us. I remember wanting it to last forever.

I looked into his eyes. I still felt the buzz from the kiss. I still felt my whole body humming. I felt something I couldn’t place than and sometimes wonder if I could place now. It was something beyond words and beauty. Beyond anything that could be described into words. Kissing him is a wonder, beauty, magic, and something I look …

Day 15 Your Dreams

I believe your dreams grow and change as you grow and change. My current dreams I have include simple things such as getting my asthma where I can understand it more, to get married again, and to get some of my writing published from my poetry, short stories, and novels. I would like to even just get more writing accomplished and be able to write full time. I would also in the future be a stay at home mom and be able to home school any children I might get blessed with in the future.

Although most people wouldn’t have a health related thing the reason for that on my dreams is that because I am tired of not knowing or understanding what is going on with my asthma. I want to know at least if there is anything if at all that can help it. I have gone through many different controller medications with no help. Once I get my Oregon Health Plan going I plan on getting my asthma and anything else. I haven’t decided fully about trying to get on disability but leaning toward it more and m…

Day 9 Your Beliefs

My beliefs have changed a lot over the years. I wasn’t really raised in a Christian household I do remember going to church many different types throughout my young childhood from Baptist, Seven Day Adventist, and many others. The first time I was baptized I was about 13 and it was at a Mormon church. I had in one way or another always believed there was a God but never a firm grasp on much else. Although I ended up leaving the Mormon Church due to how they treated my mom they were good to us for a short period of time helping us with some hardships we dealt with at that time.

From the time I was 13 until I was about 16 I didn’t really do much stuff that was church related. I did go to Youth group related stuff for awhile and even did when I got into Wicca thanks to my 2nd boyfriend. I felt at that time it was the best thing in my life I had gotten into that and Enya. Although I considered myself Wiccan I didn’t really do much to practice it for many years and even when I got mo…

Day 8 A Favorite Song

Music has always been one of those things that I've enjoyed in my life. I have many different favorite songs for different reasons. I have found that usually listening to music also helps me write as it helps with the writing process. There have been so many memories some great and wonderful some hard and heartbreaking when it came to music.

One of my favorite songs is Mandy by Barry Manilow. Without this song I would have less likely have the name I was given at my birth. Some of my favorite romantic songs include Faithfully by Journey, Lifetime of Dreams by Journey, Everything by Lifehouse, and Heaven by Bryan Adams whenever I am asked about my favorite songs these ones come to my mind every single time.

There are many other songs I do enjoy. There have been many songs that have been dedicated for one reason or another throughout my years of life. I believe I will always enjoy music and my main favorite songs will always stay.

Day 7 Your Best Friend

I am very blessed to have many great friends in my life. Several I consider best friends. Although the more quiet and shy type when I was younger I always had at least one best friend in my life. My main best friends over the last few years have been Lacy, Janelle, and then Adam. Adam and I have known each other now for thirteen years. Adam and I truly have gone through everything together.

Adam has been my rock through some very hard times as well as some wonderful things. We have had our differences, our fights, our disagreements, but we have always gotten through it. We even had times of not speaking although now the last time that happened as been many years. I couldn't imagine going without talking to him more than a day anymore. He's seen me through some very rough relationships and it hasn't been really since my one with Troy that I have seen him agree so much on who I am with.

Through the now over sixteen months I have been with Troy I have come to find him …

Day 6 Your Day

It has been a very crazy day for me and this whole week has been super busy. Today I had to go to Spherion for having to update two pieces of paper which was a bit frustrating as I had just gone in there to meet with a newer person last month and they didn't have me update anything that wasn't updated a month before that. That place has gone through many changes as of late in staff beforehand it didn't seem that they changed that much but within the last few months it has changed twice.

Once that was done we went to the Department of Human Services so I could have them see the birth certificate, make a copy of that, and also get a letter stating my food benefits in order to send that to the Tuality Patient Accounting so that I would be able to get Financial Assistance for my last Urgent Care Bill I had through Tuality a few months ago. We went to Postal Annex so that my mom could fax her background check for a possible temporary position through Kforce at that time my …

Day 5 Your Definition Of Love

Love is something I've always believed in even as a child even though the way I looked at love has changed over the years. I've always been a romantic writing romantic poetry from the time I was about sixteen. I always believed in hope and love being hand and hand. Believing that as long as you hoped and thought positive that there was a possible positive love that could come to your life. I've always appreciated the romantic things in life such as flowers, small gifts rather spent with money or not, poetry, holding hands, cuddling, and all those simple things.

I do believe there are different levels of love. There is the love you have for your family something that just seems to be there naturally as long as your family is around. Love that you have for your friends especially your closest ones that seem to be a mixture of everything from trust, hope, friendship, love, and many more. There is the spiritual love you feel when you are close to God and know how much he…

I Never Felt Lonely

I never felt lonely,
Even as an only child,
When I was young,
My best friend’s brother,
Was like a brother to me too,
I never thought or cared,
Things just seemed easier that way,
I was spoiled a little,
But also not,
Had to go without,
Sometimes would have to go
Few months before getting things,
K-Mart was my mom’s best friend,
But I never really felt lonely,
There weren’t times I couldn’t find,
Something to do even when I was alone,
Although I didn’t have an older sibling
To watch over me,
Or a younger one to help mold,
I learned how to take care of myself,
From a young age,
With my mom not being able to afford,
A babysitter as I started getting older,
My grandmother lived close by,
I never felt lonely,
No matter the circumstance,
Because I knew love,
Even though I never knew a sibling,
I did find out when I was older,
That I had a half brother,
But I have never met him,
All I ever knew was me,
But through the years,
I have adopted family,
And have become part of family,
And so although I might not have a blood sibli…

Not A Woman Of Complexity

I am not a woman of complexity,
Not one to take hours to figure out what to wear,
Not one to always be perfect,
Rather be comfortable than anything else,
Not one to have millions of shoes,
Or items of makeup,
Or jewelry,
I am simplistic,
Always have been,
Probably always will,
Had to learn from a young age,
To not always have a bunch of things,
Never could understand,
Why there was such a need,
To have this and that,
Always grateful for what I had,
Always tried to make the best,
Even sometimes having second hand,
I was not one that was spoiled,
I was raised by a single parent,
Who couldn’t always afford many things,
I am not a woman of complexity,
I am one, who rather focuses on other things,
There is so much more to life,
So much more to this world,
Than to always worry completely,
About what clothes one wears,
Although clothes can sometimes say certain things,
Sometimes we forget to look more within,
We get so blinded by things that don’t even matter,
So although I am not a woman of complexity,
At least when it c…

Day 3 My Parents

All of my life the only parent I ever knew was my mom Rose. I can only recall one time during my childhood before I entered my 7th grade year on meeting my father. That was a less than pleasant experience. One I don't talk about that often because although I have been working on forgiving and letting it go even after all these years it still is hard on occasion. Not that my mom wasn't a great parent growing up as she was, but being told you are not one's child can be hard especially when you are twelve.

Although maybe not the best thing to deal with being raised by a single parent did have it's advantages at times. I learned a lot of lessons I am not sure I would have learned at that age. I learned very quickly how to save money, that you can't always have everything you want and to be okay with that, how to handle stress as much as possible on shortages, and that although packing and moving is hard you can make the best of it. I do know that I have a half br…

My Beliefs

I believe in love,
A deep wonderful emotion,
That might not always be easy,
But is wonderful,
And is worth it,
I believe in dreams,
Those that you can wrap yourself,
Around and hold on tight,
Those that might not always be easy,
But always so worth it,
At the end of every day,
I believe in hope,
To never give up,
To keep on going,
Despite it all,
I believe in friends,
People that can truly be there for you,
No matter what you are going through,
And loves you,
And cares for you,
Even through any short comings,
I believe in humanity,
Even though there is so much evil,
So much hatred,
So much pain,
I believe there is still good,
There is still wonder,
There is still beauty,
There is still hope,
At the end of the day,
I believe in God,
The Heavenly Father,
The one that sent His Son,
In order for us to not perish,
And to be able to live eternity,
In Heaven with Him,
I believe in joy,
And wonder,
And things beyond us,
And seeing beyond,
What we might see before us,
We all have stories,
We all have been through pain,
We all have been…

My Favorite Song

Whenever I listen to that melody,
Whenever I listen to those words,
I go into a trace,
I go into another place,
I go into another state,
My mind wonders,
My thoughts move so quickly,
I close my eyes,
I take a breath,
I listen to the words,
Listen to the words,
Listen to the emotions that run,
Listen to everything as it hits my heart,
Hits my inner being,
Thinking about the time I first heard them,
First felt them through my being,
My favorite song,
Those words that I can hear,
When I listen to it,
When I haven’t listened to it,
When everything was dark,
When everything is light,
When everything is in between,
Then you came into my life,
And everything changed,
Even how I felt toward my favorite song,
There seemed to be deeper meaning,
Deeper emotions,
Deeper everything,
And I felt that the song,
Although probably dedicated to so many,
Was so perfect for you and I,
Because I knew at that moment,
That not only my life had changed,
That everything was wonderful,
That everything was going to be better,
Because I had you,
And…

Day 2 Your First Love

My first love now that is a very easy story to tell. His name was Matthew Pomazal but he went by Matt. I met him when we were in the 6th grade and he was my first crush and first guy I had feelings for. I remember the day I was playing four square with my best friend Lacy and was waiting to get back in when I noticed his brown hair with curls and his blue eyes. There was just a spark from the very beginning. From that day until the day I left to go to another school we were together as much as possible.

We spent lunch together and when we started Junior High he would walk me to my various classes since we didn't have any together. He would even walk me to my bus and would talk on the phone. He was the first guy that ever told me that he liked me and that will always stick with me. I even did see him many years later and so much had changed. We did go out for lunch and catch up on times and I remember my heart beating fast still feeling those same feelings that were not gon…

My Best Friends

I am so blessed to have so many great friends,
Friends that are there for me every single moment,
Different types of personalities,
Different types of beings,
Some knowing me longer than others,
Some even a bit better than others,
But all of them I feel some sort of connection,
A friendship that is beautiful,
A friendship that is true,
A friendship that means the world to me,
Even if I am not always able to express it,
A friendship that goes on,
That is there no matter the distance,
Or time,
Someone I can trust with my being,
My heart,
My emotions,
My everything,
I am so blessed,
So blessed to have so many great friends,
Those that stand through the test of time,
Those that feel the hurt,
That feels the pain,
That feels the happiness,
The wonder,
The laughter,
The tears,
And everything in between,
I am so blessed,
To have so many best friends,
Ones I have known for just short period of time,
And those I have known for years,
I don’t know what I would do without them,
The conversations,
The everyday blessing,
The beauty…

Day 1 Introduction

Here is day 1 of 30 in blog form :)

My name is Mandy was born Mandy L. Howarth but now Shorb. I was married in October 23rd of 2004 and Divorced in April of 2007 I decided to keep the last name as I had a lot of things set up by that time with Shorb and didn't see the point in changing it until hopefully getting married again. I have been running yahoo groups for a long time back when they were yahoo clubs. I was born with not knowing my father which has since continued last I knew he lived in Arizona back when he still owed child support. His name is Jack and my mom's name is Rose. I was raised as her being a single parent pretty much all my life but I couldn't ask for a better mom she is one of my best friends.

I am currently 29 will be the big 30 on February 15th of next year but for me age doesn't seem to matter I have gone through a lot in my life that I am not like OMG type like many others have been. I have been an asthmatic for 11 of those years being diagn…